Happy Thanksgiving, fellow Americans! Hope you’ve been enjoying your leftovers and have a lovely (and possibly lazy) weekend! I cooked the bird yesterday due to the Scotsman being away for work on Thursday, but it was lovely having friends over and even watching of bit of the Macy’s parade online.
I’m about to admit something I’m not proud of. This week, I did what I’ve done the past several years, and that’s listen to the little voice whispering in my ear that the holidays means people don’t really read emails or have the chance to consider them until into the New Year, and that somehow negatively affects me.
Why does this make me worry? Well, in my head, I feel like it’s time where I won’t hear answers, and therefore can’t make progress — but worse is the fear I’ll be forgotten and shuffled into a pile of dustbunnies in the corner, because HOLIDAYS, and therefore, any answers I might be waiting on will blink out of the realm of potential.
What a negative viewpoint, right? And how self-centered! I can hear you thinking it. Honestly, I should be focused on my family and making holiday memories rather than worrying about the career goal and dreams I’ve been working toward all these years … right? Or can’t I do both?
I realized after sharing my concerns with a friend how accustomed I am to finding yet more ways to worry about what I’m waiting for. It’s a timely blunder as I’m currently reading Wendy Pope’s inspiring and uplifting WAIT AND SEE.
Every day is a chance to keep up that progress I want to see on my end — and that’s all I can EVER do. So I can’t worry about things like this. It’s out of my control — it was never IN my control, no matter what time of year it is. I’m also reminded again of my favourite read of last year, BIG MAGIC by Elizabeth Gilbert:
You’re afraid somebody else already did it better. You’re afraid everybody else already did it better.
The results of my work don’t have much to do with me. I can only be in charge of producing the work itself.
The ones who stand at the gates of our dreams are not automatons. They are just people. They are just like us. There is no neat template that can ever predict what will capture any one person’s imagination, OR WHEN (emphasis mine); you just have to reach them at the right moment. But since the moment is unknowable, you must maximize your chances. Play the odds. Put yourself forward in stubborn cheer, and then do it again and again and again.
Whatever else happens, stay busy.
So instead of finding new ways to worry that actually only eat away at the very progress I’m concerned about, I’m spending this weekend doing the things that refuel my tank for the writing that happens throughout the week, and focusing my mind on what I can control. And wishing everyone a hopeful holiday season this year as we look for ways to help others in the days, weeks, and months to come. Roll on, 2017. <3
Lately, my main goal in life has been to “look for the best.” My favourite passage in the Bible is Philippians 4:4-9. Whatever you may believe, this passage still holds water. I’ll let you look it up yourself if you’re not familiar, but what I get out of it is the recommendation to focus on the good things in life. Fill your mind with positives, with what’s right, and pure, and hopeful. Whatever you believe, I think it’s true that if you focus on the negatives, you’ll feel rubbish. Plain and simple. If you look for the positives, you’ll start to find them, while releasing tension at the same time.
It’s not easy. Especially for someone who’s struggled all her life with anxiety. I’ll be blunt. It sucks. It’s horrible knowing that worrying and stress does me MORE harm than 99.9% of the things I worry about, which rarely, if ever, come to pass. But something in my head has always tried to assure me that if I worry, I’ll be on top of the problem. I’ll nip it in the bud before it blooms.
So. Not. True.
I’ve learned that preparation and caution ready us and keep us alert to dangers and behaviors that invite them — and there’s nothing wrong with those.
But worry over things I can’t control, things I’m guessing so-and-so might be thinking about me, the behavior of others, the weird pain that the internet wants to tell me means I have 2 minutes to live — none of this gets me anywhere. It seems pretty obvious, right?
The problem is, a person can know this intellectually but still struggle to turn the worry off.
As someone who believes in God, I’ve found this a vexing lifelong struggle. God encourages us, tells us not to worry. If the Creator of the universe and every hair on my head is suggesting I don’t worry, I should probably listen, right?
Then why is it so hard sometimes?
When someone doesn’t call when they say they will, when a weird ailment comes out of nowhere, when my dreams get thwarted one more time, my brain decides it’s a great opportunity to drive me and everyone around me mad with pointless anxiety.
Enter a few (very minor) health problems recently. I’ll list one: bronchitis which I had for 2 months. It left a lingering cough, and all this made me worry it was something more, something worse. The positive in all this is that I now know I’ll never again take breathing for granted. I now wake up in the morning and am grateful for oxygen, and that my lungs are working and not wheezing. So there’s that.
It finally dawned on me that the little problems we encounter daily can add stress, which enhances already-present worries, which lead to anxiety, which manifests itself in various physical ways, be it panic attacks, tense muscles, palpitations, etc.
So one thing I recently read might help: look at daily problems as speed bumps rather than “problems.” You can either slow down for speed bumps, or you can take them at full speed, do damage to your car and possibly yourself, and look foolish in the process. But if you look at all these daily problems as growth opportunities, you can calmly decide what action to take that will get you through the problem in the most effective and graceful manner.
I think “graceful” is the key. I can continue to face problems with my typical worry reaction, giving myself headaches and stomachaches and tension, and get bent out of shape . . . or I can slow down, decide on an effective, graceful solution, and get through it without regretting my reaction the next day.
I really want to remember this, and hope that when the next speed bump comes (because they never stop), I’ll choose the latter.
With the #Writemotivation May Goals, I’ve been thinking (see that? Already! Thinking and not doing…) about just getting stuff done rather than deliberating, contemplating, and just generally faffing. If you don’t know the definition of “faffing”, I do think the word is very nearly an onomatopoeia.
And as this blog has been keen to announce publicly, I am a worrier and it is my great goal in life to stop this ridiculous, futile habit. Yesterday I read a great little devotional by Max Lucado about being a “worry-slapper.” He compares worries to mosquitos – and I’ll go one step further and compare it to midges, which if you’ve spent any time in the Scottish Highlands, or Scotland in general, you will know how infuriating these insects are.
Lucado points out that when a mosquito lands on you, you don’t watch it land and think about it. You slap that bugger away immediately. Worry should be no different. Letting it sit and stew and dig its claws into your skin, making it harder to extricate later? No good. As one of my lecturers at Falmouth sagely offered, with regards to plagiarism come dissertation time: “Plagiarism. Crack cocaine. Just don’t.” With a mosquito, you don’t say, “I’ll take care of that in a minute.” You immediately remove it! And anxieties are the same.
Don’t waste an hour wondering what your boss thinks; ask her. Before you diagnose that blemish as cancer, have it examined. Instead of assuming you’ll never get out of debt, consult an expert. Be a doer—not a stewer!
Not just about worry, this topic. Last night I finished reading the second OUTLANDER book by Diana Gabaldon. I meant to go to bed around 10pm, feeling like a cold was coming on, but I had reached 90% of the book on my Kindle and decided I needed with every inch of my being to know how it ended. So I read until 1:30am. I’ll need to write a blog post about Diana’s writing at a later date, but the way her characters have leapt off the page at me (partly thanks to the Scottish setting and historical deliciousness) has gripped my heart and I WOULD. LOVE. TO. WRITE. LIKE. HER. She is fascinating and has such a strong voice for each character, and her writing voice is just brilliant. Like the sun. I’m in love. (And I’m so not a Harlequin/romance fan, at all. I kinda have to breeze through those passages, but they’re still so well written. I just don’t do romance, but her books are not defined as such. They’re too much else.)
It inspired me even more – one more massive block of fuel to the fire under me to write. Just write, as much as I can, as inspired as I can, and stop spending hours a week reading *about* writing. Just GET GOING.
So. Get going 🙂 Don’t let that midge sit around and sink his fangs in. Slap that procrastination–that Pinterest, that Facebook, that pile of dishes that really can wait until 5pm–slap it all away and get moving.
This might sound cheesy but I don’t care. Last year, while reading Dale Carnegie’s HOW TO STOP WORRYING AND START LIVING (the virtues of which I’ve extolled here in the past), I decided to follow his advice to keep an ongoing journal of three things a day that I’m thankful for. Whether you want to thank God for your blessings, or simply write down three positives you can think of every day, I believe this is a worthwhile exercise.
Especially because sometimes, it’s really difficult to do. Maybe because sometimes it’s really difficult to do.
I’ve been trying to keep this up and for some dumb reason, I seem to take Saturday and Sunday off (possibly because my routine isn’t the same on those days and we can be off first thing in the morning on a day trip, or I could be treated to breakfast in bed, or whatever, but I know I’m bad about this inconsistency and I need to sort it).
I’ve been doing it pretty much every Monday-Friday for several months now, and my journal is starting to fill up. My way of approaching it is writing three numbered items from the previous day that I’m thankful for, or from today. Things as simple as, “I’m thankful the sun is shining” (I’m definitely a SAD-sufferer so sunshine is a major thing for me, especially in this country where it’s cloudy or rains 99.9999% of the time), or “I’m thankful for the customer service person yesterday being really helpful instead of telling me what they can’t do.”
Sometimes they’re much larger entries, like yesterday’s. Yesterday I had one that was 2 pages long, where I wrote out exactly what very sweet gesture my fiance’ did that made me so grateful to be with him, but also so I could look back and remember the details of the thing I’m thankful for.
It might sound obvious but I’m seeing that this exercise–when done relatively early on in the day–makes me more optimistic and cheery for the remainder of the day. I definitely notice a difference on the days I don’t. And if for no other reason, when you’re in the dumps you can look back through the pages and see that you really do have a lot to be thankful for, even if you’ve just received another query rejection or someone who’s had your manuscript for 8 months has just written back a one word reply: “Pass” (No, this last one hasn’t happened to me as no one’s requested pages-yet!).
A lot of times I think, “These are all such insignificant things,” but no matter how rubbish a day I’m having, I always manage to find at least 3 things to write down and it’s really been helping me. So I encourage you to give it a try! Try it for one week and tell me if you don’t start to feel even a teensy bit more positive afterwards.
(Photo credit: me-as always :)-I believe taken from the top of the 2nd highest peak in the UK, Ben Macdui, after we’d already conquered Ben Nevis.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” (NIV)
So says Proverbs 13:12. I don’t think the author meant to infer that every desire we have should be fulfilled, because.. well, there’s not enough room here to explain why that just wouldn’t work. But I think there’s an obvious truth here. Have you ever had hope deferred? Something you’ve been waiting for, or hoping for, or working towards, and the more time goes on, the more determined you get…. but also, the more bits of your soul seem to crumble around the edges with disappointment. It could be a promotion, a job, a reconciliation, healing, a relationship, a book deal. Whatever. I think it’s safe to say most people can relate to this proverb, and when these soul-deep longings are finally fulfilled, it feels like new life has sprung forth, giving us new energy for the next task or goal.
But when there’s nothing but deferral happening, that energy dissipates. When you keep getting your hopes up and that goal hasn’t manifested, it’s to me the worst kind of frustration. The only help I’ve found is knowing you’ve done all you can today, and focusing on being busy with everything else in your life. I need to focus all my attention onto the next task at hand. Doesn’t mean my hope and goal is sorted yet. It’s not. But focusing on that deferral is only going to cause distress. In other words, get busy doing other things, when you’ve done all you can for that day.
When I lived in California, I went through a really rough patch. It was a time when I had to face a lot of unfortunate choices, particularly about my education and career path (i.e. I needed to be on one!). But when I visited the UK on a solo holiday, in a last-ditch attempt to figure myself out and get away from my rut, I discovered that this was where I felt more alive than anywhere.
Fast-forward through the hottest summer in memory when I worked three jobs to save money (ugh – waitressing at Macaroni Grill – so stressful and my last food service job ever!), and a miracle took place than enabled me to see the hope I had in me – for another chance at university and at proving I could commit to something, follow through and honestly apply myself – be fulfilled. I was able to move to England and enrol on a 3-year BA. I worked my butt off because I felt like I had more to prove then everyone else on the course, most people being about 10 years younger than me. I was a bit too hard on myself at times (see my previous blog on perfectionism), but I needed to prove to myself that I could be successful. Even if getting top marks isn’t the be all and end all, to me, at that time, that was the biggest goal I had, and I achieved it. So my hope of moving to the UK and finishing a degree was fulfilled, and I felt like I was on top of the world during the entire three+ years watching that hope come together.
All that to say, during the hardest times I’ve ever had, I never dreamed I’d get to be where I am now and I’m grateful. When I look back on that most difficult period, despite the stress at the time I know I survived and came through the other side better for it by each morning being thankful for the day – no matter how tired or under pressure I was – and focus all my strength on just that day. I don’t know how I did it. I think it was only by God’s grace, seriously, because I am sooo weak, and to look back and see me do that – well, it wasn’t me, that’s for sure.
So the hopes I’m currently dealing with have more at stake, but I’m so blessed to be where I am now (where I never dreamed I’d be 10 years ago). I achieved two of my biggest dreams before I hit 30, and for that I’m more thankful than I can describe. I’m here today because I made it through that rough patch of hopes deferred.
But if you’re alive, you have hopes, so of course I’ve got more.
Some days I struggle a lot with patience. Lately, it’s been a roller coaster. My desire to see my hopes give me stability and security is currently at serious odds with the truths I’ve read recently in a great book called HOW TO STOP WORRYING AND START LIVING by Dale Carnegie. I highly recommend it. When I first saw it on the shelf I thought it was written just for me. I’ve read it through twice now, and it’s strengthened my belief that I can learn to balance my hopes. Carnegie makes no claims to his advice being original; in fact, he states early on that it’s a collection of common sense ideas put into practice by the people he’s met, and how it worked for them. Nothing new here. But the way it’s written makes me think, “DUH! Why is it so hard to do these things sometimes?”
I won’t go into all the awesomeness this book has to offer (or quote from others) here since this post is already mega-long. But one thing that relates to the hope-deferred theme is this: the idea that this day will never dawn again (I know, duh, right?). Carnegie quotes a poem by Indian dramatist Kalidasa. Google the whole thing, it’s beautiful, but this is what stood out to me:
“Yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is only a vision,
But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.”
The first chapter is one of the best. It focuses on the simple idea of having no anxiety for tomorrow, and I think this poem explains why. When we get to tomorrow – the tomorrow we’re anxious for – if we lived today well, we can look back in contentment. Even if a hope didn’t come to pass on that day. So that means we need to live today well. When I get to tomorrow, I’d rather be able to look back on the previous day as full of productivity, positivity, good memories and a GLADNESS that I lived it the way I did. It’s only one day. Surely I can do that; surely I can put down my heavy heart of deferred hopes and just focus on my blessings, and let hope be positive. I’d rather look back on today and know I was content, rather than see I spent it wringing my hands about the “when”s of my hopes. That won’t make tomorrow any better.
It’s hard to be patient when you start thinking, “But this and this so THIS should happen!” But if you can’t force something to happen of your own accord, and you’re doing everything in your power and you’re at the limit of your ability to reach your goal, there comes the point where you have to just stop giving the “when” question any thought. It’s not easy, but I think in times like this when I’m working towards and waiting on a lot of things – particularly things mostly outside of my control – the best option is to try overcoming the anxiety with making today a day you’ll be happy with tomorrow.